Speaking of patriotrism

This is the kind of topic that I normally leave very carefully offline and indeed only discuss in person when I believe that I know exactly what the feelings in the room will be. Whether that is cowardice, fastidiousness, or peacemaking, I have never known.

Even in the months before September 11th, but particularly in the years following, I was deeply uncomfortable with what seemed to be the prevailing rhetoric in the States. It seemed that the only way to be patriotic was to declare, "America is the best! America is infallible! Stand aside!" I don't understand how I can be more patriotic than to say that we have the potential to be so much better and to always improve, but this appears very threatening to many people, and as I said, I don't discuss it much, although I think I am very patriotic.

This post is not actually about patriotism as such, but this quandary of not quite feeling like I can speak freely about something that demands real thought and earnest discussion is also how I feel about academia. I don't want this post to get too long, but let me briefly say that I don't see how I can do better justice to academia and to a possible career in it than to thoroughly question my motives and what, if any, justifications there are for acting on those motives. But even in this blog, I do not feel comfortable laying bare the tangles that are awaiting my attention. Speaking to my professors is always tricky because it requires quite a lot of trust, particularly if it's someone who might be about to write me a letter for job applications. *I* think it's important for me to interrogate myself, to struggle and be aware that I have an escape pod, but some of my mentors have given me reason to believe that I should not be too frank in sharing my feelings about academia. Some of them have not, of course, but that doesn't mean that it's always fair to commandeer office hours for such things, and sometimes, they have their own needs that do not allow them to devote 24 hours of every day to their jobs, let alone to the parts of their jobs that involve their students. And that is right, because the whole point of my struggle is that the job cannot be allowed to consume other joys, other struggles, places of rest, and (crucially) other people in our own private lives or in the world.

That is not how I want that paragraph to end, but I feel like I have lost the thread of it somewhere. Sometimes, it's good to lose the thread of your expectations and discover what the paragraph is really about, but I am certain that I've lost track of the important part. I will hope to find it in my future post on dabbling, practicing Bach fugues on the organ, and falling back into Gaudy Night at what is either the exactly right or the exactly wrong time.

Oh, dear, am I going to be able to steel myself to leave this post up? Well, I will see how long I last.